May 22, 2018. Eight weeks since Adam died.
7:44pm. I am sitting in bed now, drinking a glass of wine and typing. If you like wine and would like to know what I am drinking, I am drinking Barefoot Red Moscato. 🙂
Today was a rough day. I overslept. I always set two alarms – one on my alarm clock and one on my phone. When the alarm clock sounds I turn it off. Fifteen minutes later, my phone goes off and I re-set the alarm. Some of you may think that’s odd, but that’s just how I do things. Ha ha. I guess I like to wake up mentally before I wake up physically. This morning both alarms went off like they should have, but I didn’t re-set the alarm on my phone like I thought I did. When I woke up again, I thought to myself that it seemed like it had been awhile since I initially woke up…..and it was light outside. I looked at my clock and it was almost 6:40! This time of year I usually leave for work around 6:50; it’s much earlier in the beginning of the school year. Ha ha. I jumped up, quickly got dressed, and left. I hate being rushed. Fortunately, I live less than five minutes away from my school. Teachers are not required to be there until 7:30 but I always like to get there early, before the rush of things. I love the peace and quiet of being one of the first ones there.
On the way to work, “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin came on the radio. For some reason, I was thinking about Adam in the hospital room in San Antonio, where he passed away. The image of him…..how he looked…..I’m sure that will be etched into my brain for the rest of my life. As the song played, I thought about Jesus standing beside Adam and telling him that He is a good, good father. This made me cry. If you have never heard the song, here is the link to the YouTube video:
I checked my Facebook when I got to work. Several weeks back I joined a Grief Support Group and it has really helped me. Someone posted this and it really spoke to me this morning. It comes from the book “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief” by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I do not yet have a copy of this book but I intend to get one soon.
Today was one of those days where I just wanted to shut out the world and be alone with my thoughts. It was a struggle to balance work and my personal life but I did the best I could. Yesterday I began reviewing operations with decimals (addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division). Today I printed off some fun worksheets with decimal problems and a riddle on each page. I decided to take my classes outside; it was a beautiful day. Students worked in partner groups to complete one page at a time, get it checked by me, and then move to the next page. As they worked, I was able to get some reading done; I am currently reading “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine. It’s an awesome and powerful book, and some of the things I read today just left me in awe……I’d like to share.
“Telling the story of this loss over and over – it’s like we’re looking for an alternate ending.” Oh my goodness, YES!!!!!
“Repetition of the story is a safety mechanism, one way the creative mind tries to reorder the world when it’s been dissolved.”
The author talks about how going to the movies can be a cruel experience. For me, watching a movie at home is a cruel experience for me because watching movies was one of mine and Adam’s favorite things to do. I actually did not watch a movie in my room until May 13, which was 48 days after he passed away. When I opened the DVD player to insert a movie, I found the last movie we watched together, “Sherlock Holmes.”
The book has an entire section titled “Grief At The Grocery Store.” Grocery shopping has been another cruel experience for me, because whenever we were together on the weekends grocery shopping was a ritual for us. It was our favorite type of shopping. We loved picking out groceries and cooking together. The author states, “Some shop only after 10:00pm to avoid any people they might know; others drive an hour out of their way just to be able to shop anonymously.” I had not thought of either of these options. I am not worried about running into people I know because that rarely happens where I shop. My issue is being in the store and thinking of all the times Adam and I were there together.
“No wonder grief is so exhausting. It’s not just the intense actual pain of loss. It’s the sheer number of tiny things that need to be avoided, endured, planned for. Impossible to tell from the outside, but those of us in grief absolutely understand. We all have our stories of exhaustion, avoidance, and the need to just not talk.”
The author talks about the timing of things such as when to remove a wedding ring, when to convert a child’s bedroom into a guest room, or when to stop referring to a lost loved one in the present tense. There is no right time! “You can’t wait for the time to feel right, because it likely never will. None of this is something you would ever choose. When you’re trying to make a decision, you can’t wait until it feels good.” “Nothing is too early or too late.” This really stood out to me.
The author of the book lost her partner, Matt, to an accidental drowning. “A friend whose husband drowned the year after Matt died told me she kept a bottle of his hot sauce with her through two different moves. She couldn’t bear to see the refrigerator without it, even though she would never open the bottle again.” Oh. My. Goodness!!!!! Reading that totally made me feel so much better about keeping the half-eaten Snickers that Adam left in my room the last time he was here. I had actually thrown in away one morning because I thought it would be “stupid” to keep something like that. It bothered me all day long and I decided I did want to keep it. When I came home I got it out of the trash can! The author also tells that she kept the container of ice cream that Matt and she bought two nights before he did; she kept it up until she moved across the country – four years later. Reading that brought such comfort to me in regards to the things I want to keep!
After school I came home for a few minutes, then left again. I had to go to H-E-B for a few items and then I had an eye appointment at 5:40. For some reason as I was telling my roommate bye, I became very emotional again and started crying. When I got in my car, the song that was playing was “Safe” by Phil Wickham. So fitting. If you have never heard this song, here is the link to the YouTube video:
As I was driving, I thanked God for my eye appointment. Why? Because if I hadn’t had the appointment, I probably would have come home and crawled in to bed right away!
An awesome thing happened as I was on my way to H-E-B. My phone rang and it was my middle brother, Marcus. He said he had a funny story for me. He has his own construction company and after visiting a site today, he somehow got mixed up on where he was at and ended up driving out of his way. He came to an intersection and noticed a gas station with a single gas pump, and he had a flashback of a funny incident that happened one Sunday afternoon when I was in college. I’m thinking it was probably 1999. A guy I had met invited me to go riding around with him and another couple, and Marcus went with us. I am not going to tell the story here. Ha ha! I remembered exactly what he was talking about, and busted out laughing! Oh my goodness, that was a God send. I told him that I had a rough day, and he just MADE my day! God knows just what we need and when we need it. Thank you, Lord!
I survived H-E-B and my eye appointment, and came home. I got things ready for tomorrow and got to my bed as soon as I could.
It is 9:02 now and I am going to sign off. I am going to try and read for a bit, then go to sleep. If you have read this, I pray that you received some encouragement and inspiration. May God bless each of you, and remember that Jesus IS a good, good Father!!
Note: My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top. If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.” 🙂
My Strength 