July 9, 2018.
Hello! I can’t believe it’s July 9 already, and I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last wrote. Today is a dreary day; there has been some rain. I have been l a z y!!!!! I would LOVE to back-track and write about every day since I last wrote, but it would take me awhile, ha ha. I’ll sum it up by saying that I have been living it up…..totally taking advantage of being on Summer Break! I have been hanging out with friends – old and new, dancing A LOT, resting A LOT, reading, and doing stuff around the house.
On Thursday, June 28, Sheri (our school librarian) and I went on another day trip, to Driftwood (about 24 miles southwest of Austin). It was a fun trip!! First we got pictures at the Driftwood General Store; it is no longer open, but was mentioned as a picture-worthy spot! Next we went to Stinson Distillery – a very cool place! I had a Stinson’s Gingermint Cocktail and Sheri had a Stinson’s Mojito. We hung out for a bit, enjoyed the cocktails, and talked with the guy who was working. After that we went and had lunch at the Salt Lick, and last of all we went to the Driftwood Estate Winery. The view from there was absolutely breathtaking! It reminded me of the movie “A Walk In The Clouds” with Keanu Reaves! I’d love to go back there sometime.
Overall, life has been great lately, but I have still had my moments of grief, which I know is normal and OKAY. This past Thursday one of those moments happened. The day was going great; I was out running errands and I was in a good mood. I was on my way to go see my roommate, who is actually home now, but was at the Rapid Recovery Center in Round Rock. I don’t always have the radio on in my car but when I do, it’s either a Christian station or a Country station. That day it was Country. The song “Mine Would Be You” by Blake Shelton came on and I immediately burst into tears. The song does not hold any significance in regards to Adam and I; I guess the words just got to me. I started missing Adam terribly and thinking about how amazing he was to me and how I’m scared I’ll never find someone else as wonderful as him. Geez, I’m crying now as I’m typing this! For the most part, I’ve been able to keep my mind off of him lately, but when I do think about him and about what happened, it is still extremely difficult. I suppose it’s a good thing that I decided to write today, as it is allowing me to get out these thoughts and feelings that I didn’t really know I was having until I started writing!
Another moment was on Saturday night, July 7, while I was at Bo’s (the place in Belton where I have been going dancing). The band that was playing, People’s Choice, was the same band that was playing the first (and only time) that Adam and I went to Bo’s together. I was having a blast, and then a moment came. The band sang “I’ve Got A Girl Crush” by Little Big Town. I am pretty certain that was the first song that Adam and I danced to when we were there, and it really got to me. I started crying, went to the restroom to cry it out, and came back to my friends. I was fine after that. 🙂
I’m pretty sure I mentioned in previous posts that the Bexar County Medical Examiners Office in San Antonio told me to call back at the end of June to see if Adam’s autopsy had been completed…..
Sorry, I have to interject here…..my roommate just got home a short while ago after an appointment she had today. She asked how my day was and noticed I was crying. She came into my room a few minutes later and said she had something for me; she was holding something behind her back. She handed me a box of “Proverbs in Color” – 44 small cards, each with a Scripture verse from Proverbs, to be colored. How neat! I will have to color them and maybe hang them around my bedroom.
Okay, not back to the autopsy. When I initially called the Medical Examiners Office in April, and they told me to call back at the end of June, I envisioned that I would be counting down the days, waiting to call back. It’s so weird because the end of June came and surprisingly, I was not chomping at the bit to call. I have no idea why. It’s like I had to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to call them back. I finally called today. His autopsy (external exam only) has been completed, and I was able to send an email request for a copy of it. When I called, I was able to speak with a secretary and she was able to tell me that toxicology WAS done as part of his exam. Praise GOD! I hoped and prayed that toxicology was part of his exam, because if it wasn’t (and if they did toxicology at the hospital), I would not have been able to get a copy of it since I am not a family member. I am able to get a copy of the autopsy because it is considered an open record and available to anyone. The hard part will be when it arrives in the mail. I will not open it myself. I will let someone else open it first. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. But I need it for closure. I am not really sure what is going on right now, but I have communicated with Adam’s sister over the past couple of days and apparently an investigator from Farmers Insurance has been asking questions. His sister is searching for the truth, which I am as well.
If you’ve kept up with my posts, you are aware that I typically try to share things that I have read / seen that spoke to me, and hopefully will speak to someone else as well. The first thing I want to share is a quote that someone posted on Facebook, and it goes right along with my current crying fit. “The most painful tears are not the ones that fall from your eyes and cover your face. It’s the ones that fall from your heart and cover your soul.” WOW.
Next, also posted on Facebook: GOD IS A WAY-MAKER: “Just know that. The God you serve is a way-maker. He’ll make a way to get it done, fix it, shift it, turn it. Even when there doesn’t seem to be a way. Get into agreement with God tonight that you’re going to serve Him, maintain faith in Him, and wait on Him. Because His blessings are always worth the wait and always right on time.” 🙂
Next, also posted on Facebook. A beautiful picture, in my opinion, and words that are very true.
Another from Facebook: “Sometimes we can’t let go of memories, because they are constant reminders of a great story that we never expected to end.”
Lastly, I want to share something that I learned in the book I am reading (and am ALMOST finished with), “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine. This is in regards to helping OTHERS grieve. Chapter 14 in the book is titled “RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM: Helping Them Help You.” The author provides “A Handy Checklist” of what to do / not to do when trying to help others in their grief. The first item really spoke to me because as I read it, I realized that I am guilty of doing this when I speak to others who are grieving…..
“Don’t compare griefs. Every person has experienced loss in their life, but no one else has experienced this grief. It’s tempting to offer your own experience of grief to let the grieving person know you understand. But you don’t understand. You can’t. Even if your loss is empirically very similar, resist the urge to use your own experience as a point of connection.”
“Do: Ask questions about their experience. You can connect with someone by showing curiosity about what this is like for them. If you have had a similar experience, it’s OK to let them know you’re familiar with how bizarre and overwhelming grief can be. Just stick to indications that you know the general territory, not that you know their specific road.”
I think this is OUTSTANDING advice! Over the years, I have learned that the best thing to do for someone who is grieving is just BE THERE. Hug them. Tell them you love them. Don’t try and make them feel better with words, or “platitudes,” as this book talks about. Simply be present. It is hard, but again, that’s what I have learned is best.
Well, I believe I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say for this post. I’m thankful I decided to write today; I don’t think I realized how much I needed it. Thank you, my faithful readers. I know I still have to complete the pages about my marriages and about Adam; I will get to that at some point. I have to be mentally and emotionally ready. Your patience is appreciated. Much love to each of you!
Note: My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top. If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.” 🙂
My Strength 