October 1, 2018.  8:29pm.  I am still alive!  Ha ha.  I am not here to write a whole lot, but simply to let you know that I AM here.  The best word I could think of to title this post is “whirlwind,” because that is what life has been lately.  A whirlwind.  

Since Daddy’s death, the month of September has always been rough.  I think this may have been the roughest yet, especially the past week.  

Monday, September 24:  Two years since mine and Adam’s first date

Wednesday, September 26:  Six months since the fire

Tbursday, September 27:  Six months since Adam died

Saturday, September 29:  22 years since daddy’s death

In addition, some other sad news was added into the mix, that of which I do not feel at liberty to talk about yet.  

I don’t know why we experience the things we experience, but if you have read my posts prior to this you are aware that I fully believe that God is in control and He has a plan.  

I am thankful that September is finally over with, and am glad to start a new month.  This is my favorite time of year, and this year I am going to try my best to enjoy it as much as I can.  (I am sure I probably say this every year, ha ha).  

School is in full swing, and, as it typically does at this time, is starting to get stressful.  

I find it odd that when I first began this blog, I had such a strong urge to write every day, and if you have followed me, you know that was my plan – to post daily.  Then one time when I was writing, it was extremely emotional for me and I think since then, I have been more hesitant to write every day.  I have found that even when I REALLY want to share stuff, I realize that I am not emotionally ready and I end up holding off.  I don’t know if that makes any sense or not, but that is the best way I know to explain it.  I appreciate each and every one of you who is reading this, and I ask for your patience if there is a long lapse of time between posts.  I am learning that I need to be emotionally and mentally ready before writing.  

Before closing this post, I will leave you with one story, which I came across back in August.  It was profound to me.

“A man saw a snake being burned to death and decided to take it out of the fire.  When he did, the snake bit him, causing excruciating pain.  The man dropped the snake, and the reptile fell right back into the fire.  So, the man grabbed a metal pole, took the snake out of the fire, and saved it’s life.  Someone who was watching approached the man and said, ‘That snake bit you.  Why are you still trying to save it?’ The man replied:  ‘The nature of the snake is to bite, but that’s not gonna change my nature, which is to help.’  Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you.  Do not lose your good heart, only learn to take precautions.”  

I hope that story speaks to someone in the same way it spoke to me.  May God bless each of you!  Until next time…..

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

 

August 21, 2018.  8:12pm.  Today was a decent day.  I wasn’t as lethargic as yesterday when I woke up, so that was a good thing!  I did turn on my radio on my way to work (which is only about two minutes, by the way), and I listened to two songs.  The first one was “Eye of the Storm” by Ryan Stevenson.  

 

The second song was “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury.  I don’t know that I have ever heard this song on the radio; however, I recognized it because I have heard it before at church.  When it played, I was reminded of an article that I recently saved in my email and have been meaning to look at.  I get daily emails from a site called Daily Bible Living, and the emails contain articles from the Bible Study Tools site.  I recently received an email with the subject, “Is God’s Love a Reckless Love?”  This caught my attention, and as I mentioned earlier I saved it in my email with plans of reading it soon.  After the song played this morning, I decided to go ahead and read the article.  It is a very good, eye-opening article.  First let me share the song and then I’ll talk more about the article.  

 

The author of the article mentions that “In just about every context, the word ‘reckless’ either means not heeding danger or not knowing the outcome and acting anyway.”  He gives the example of a parent who rushes into a burning house to rescue a child.  This is “reckless” due to the fact that they are ignoring the danger and the risk of death.  He then states, “God’s love, on the other hand, is incredibly intentional and fully omniscient, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.  When it comes to saving and rescuing and redeeming and loving us, God knew EXACTLY what he was getting into.”  WOW.  An excellent point!  There’s much more to the article but that is the main thing that I wanted to share here.  If you are interested in reading the entire article it can be found at https://www.biblestudytools.com/blogs/stephen-altrogge/is-god-s-love-a-reckless-love.html

So, yesterday I mentioned the Natural Calm Magnesium gummies that I started taking.  I am two days in and I still believe they are really helping me.  It was another “calm” day for me, even when things got a little hectic / stressful.  My morning classes have been going smoothly and stress-free.  It is my 6th Period and 7th Period classes that are going to test my patience this year.  Ha ha.  We have a total of eight periods this year.  My two off periods are both in the morning, so my afternoons are LONG.  Four classes in a row with no break.  

A really cool thing happened this afternoon.  A boy in my 5th Period class finished his work early and borrowed a book from my personal library.  Towards the end of class he came to my desk and told me that he found something about one of my relatives.  What??!!  He had gotten a book about the Wild West.  On a page titled “Best Epitaphs” there is an epitaph for a Mac McDermott and it says:

Died February 1873; McDermott shot Casey’s friend; So Casey shot McDermott.  Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth.  The frontier code.”  WOW.  Very interesting!  I love historical stuff like that!  

I was once again exhausted by the end of the day…..not near as bad as yesterday, but still exhausted.  I needed to wrap up a few things and I left around 4:30.  I have to say, this seems to be the smoothest start to a school year that I have had yet.  In the past, I have typically stayed and worked late for the first week or two of school.  It has not been like that so far this year, and I am grateful!  I DO bring work home, though.  Ha ha!  Today I came straight home.  I graded some papers this evening while watching TV, then I started typing!  My new book (“Finding God in My Loneliness”) arrived today, but I STILL have to finish “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” (I didn’t finish it last night).  I am going to try and read now.  

Oh!  Don’t laugh at me!  I just took a drink of something super tasty and thought I would share what it is.  Do you like tea?  Do you like tea with lemon??  Do you like sweet tea, but with natural sweeteners instead of sugar??  WELL…..if you have not seen it before, you need to check out bai Antioxidant infused Tanzania Lemon Supertea.  It is so good!  I purchased it from Walmart.  I have not checked at H-E-B to see if they carry it, but I do know they carry the bai brand.  There’s your healthy recommendation for the day!  Ha ha!  Until next time…..

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

August 20, 2018.  7pm.  

Today was a decent day.  When I woke up, I wasn’t ready to face the day, but once I got going it got better.  Ha ha.  I thought to myself that it’s pretty bad when you don’t have a ton of motivation on a MONDAY morning!! 

One of my friends on Facebook recently recommended “Natural Calm” – a Magnesium supplement for stress relief.  She recommended the powder that is mixed into a drink.  While grocery shopping yesterday I was able to purchase the gummies (rather than the drink mix) in a Raspberry Lemon flavor.  Oh my goodness…..yummy gummies!  The adult serving is four per day.  I took one last night and have had three today so far.  I think they really help me!  At least, I know I was “calm” all day today, even when things were a bit stressful.  I am only one day in but I recommend this!  

By the end of the day, I was E X H A U S T E D!!!!!  I tidied up my classroom, did a few last things, and left around 4:15.  I grabbed Dairy Queen for supper and came home! Praise God, it started raining when I was on my way home, and it has rained a bit this evening.  We are in desperate need of rain! 

I did not turn on my radio this morning, so I don’t have any songs to share in this post; however, I was going through saved items on my phone earlier and would like to share a few things before I close for today.  

This first item, I saved on my phone in 2015.  I often look back at it and am comforted.  It gives me such a wonderful visual of God’s angels and their protective presence.  Often during praying over myself and / or others, I will ask God to place a host of His Heavenly angels around me / someone else, with swords raised high, so that no evil can enter in.  Whenever I say that prayer, this is what comes to my mind.    

 

“God is BIGGER than your discouragements, BIGGER than your frustrations, and BIGGER than your lost dreams. God can handle all of your feelings.  Give them all to him.”  I know this in my head, but so often I fail to really KNOW it in my heart.  Can you relate??

 

10 things God wants you to remember:

1. I will give you rest.
2. I will strengthen you.
3. I will answer you.
4. I believe in you.
5. I will bless you.  
6. I am for you.
7. I will not fail you.
8. I will provide for you.
9. I will be with you.
10. I love you.  

 

“At my lowest, God is my HOPE.  At my darkest, God is my LIGHT.  At my weakest, God is my STRENGTH.  At my saddest, God is my COMFORTER.”  If you are reading this and you are a Christian, I hope that you know these truths.  If you are reading this and you are not a Christian, I pray that you can come to know these truths.  If you need direction or have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me through the “Contact” page at the top of my blog!

This next quote is not a spiritual one, but I feel it is a powerful quote and I want to share here.  Maybe there is someone who needs to hear it.  Obviously I needed to hear it whenever I read it, because I saved it on my phone!  

“Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets other people.  You are not responsible for their happiness.  You’re responsible for your own happiness.  Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with.”  ~Phuckyoquote.  I believe this spoke to me because I have always been the type of person to “please” others; I believe this comes from the manner in which I was raised.  Over the past few years, I have learned the truth of this quote, and I have tried to live by it.  I certainly have not perfected this way of living, but I am trying!  

Okay, I am going to close out here and do some reading.  I got off track over the summer and took a break from reading “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine.  I only have a little bit left and hopefully I can finish it tonight.  I am excited because I ordered a new book from Amazon and it should arrive tomorrow.  It is called “Finding God in My Loneliness” by Lydia Brownback.  I look forward to reading it!  As always, I hope you have enjoyed reading my post and I hope you gained at least one thing to take away…..even if that one thing is the “Natural Calm.”  Ha ha!  May God bless each and every one of you.  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

August 19, 2018.  7:28pm.  

Hello!  As you read this, I hope you are doing well.  I last wrote on Thursday evening (August 16).  Friday (August 17) was a fun day at school.  My math classes worked in their table groups and did a “Marshmallow Challenge.”  Each group had 20 pieces of spaghetti, one yard of tape, one yard of yarn, one large marshmallow, and scissors.  Their goal was to build the tallest free standing structure with the materials.  The only thing they had to use ALL of was the marshmallow; it had to remain intact, and it had to be on top of the structure.  This is fun to watch!  The tallest one made was in one of my Advanced Math classes and it was 22 inches tall!  

In the afternoon we had our first Behavior Committee Panther Rally, which was great fun.  It included a teacher vs. student dance-off (teachers won) and a spirit competition (6th grade won).  It was an awesome way to end our first week – well, first three days – of school!  

After work I went to the local Beer Market with two teachers.  We didn’t stay long; we each had one drink and then headed out.  I would have enjoyed staying longer but both of them had plans and I didn’t want to stay by myself.  I came home and ended up doing some work for school while watching TV.  

Yesterday (August 18) was a LAZY day.  I did not get out of my pajamas all day.  I was exhausted from the start of school, and I wasn’t feeling all that great.  I’ve been dealing with sinus junk since for a few weeks now.  I went out to grab lunch but other than that I stayed at home.  I rested, did more work for school, worked on finances, and binge watched “Law and Order.”  Ha ha.  I didn’t even go dancing!!!!!  

Fortunately, I had more energy and motivation today.  I got out about mid-morning to run errands and go grocery shopping, then I went to my classroom to work for awhile.  I came home, took a nap, prepped stuff for tomorrow, took a shower, and now here I am.  Watching “NCIS: Los Angeles” and writing!

I’d like to share a few Christian songs that played this week as I was on my way to work.  I love how I can turn on my radio and it seems like God sends me just what I need to hear at a certain time.  If I remember correctly, these two songs are the ones that played on Wednesday (the official first day of school):

 

 

Thursday…..

I had never heard this song (above) before; I like it!

 

Friday…..

I caught the very end of “I Can Only Imagine,” before these other two songs played.  By the way – if you have never watched the movie “I Can Only Imagine,” I highly recommend it!  Fair warning:  have tissues ready!!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE “Oceans”!!!!!  Such a powerful song!

And, that’s the end of the songs!  It’s now 8:15 and I think I am going to do some reading before calling it a night.  May God bless each and every one of you…..may you have an awesome week!  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

August 16, 2018.  8:27pm.  Today was our second day back at school; it was another long, yet good, day.  I was tempted to blog first thing this morning, but I did not.  I had an awesome moment and wanted to share, but I decided to wait…..

After I got to work and completed a few tasks, I read the daily devotion from “Jesus Always” by Sarah Young.  The Bible verses for today are:

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”

Psalm 112:7 “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:8 – 10 “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.  Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness,righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord.“

Here is the devotion: 

(If you do not have a good devotional book and are looking for one, I highly recommend this one!)  

As I read this, especially the part about bad news, it dawned on me that I just recently read something along the same lines.  I had to stop for a moment and think about where I read it.  I read some in Exodus last night, but I knew it wasn’t there.  Then it dawned on me that yesterday evening, I read a Facebook post from a very dear Christian woman who I met in April at a women’s conference.  This woman has been through many trials in her life, including eight years of sex trafficking and cancer numerous times.  She recently learned that she has cancer again.  These trials have not broken her faith in Christ; she is an amazing witness for Him.  Here is her post:

Even though she did not specifically use the words “bad news,” I believe that her message goes hand-in-hand with today’s devotion.  If you are a Christian, hopefully you will understand me when I say that this was a “Holy Spirit moment.”  It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives…..how we can hear or read one thing one day, and then hear or read something along the same lines in another place!  In my opinion, that is God affirming the message to us.  

This afternoon I received an email notification that the State Fire Investigation Report had finally been uploaded to the online portal, which I mentioned in my previous post.  I read over the report and printed it out to keep.  I will not go into details here, but I will say that the report contains some shocking information and it only raises additional questions about the circumstances surrounding the fire.  For whatever reason, the status of the report was changed from “Closed” to “Active” in July.  I am not sure exactly what that means but I am trying to find out.  Hopefully one day, I will find out what really happened the morning of the fire.  

So…..overall, it was a good day.  Long…..but good.  No major mishaps, ha ha.  I am extremely grateful that tomorrow is Friday!  May God bless each and every one of you!  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

August 15, 2018.  8:00pm.  WOW.  The last time I wrote was July 9!  I mentioned that I had been living it up, taking advantage of my summer vacation.  I continued to do so.  I went dancing every weekend (sometimes two nights in a row), and I got A LOT of R & R!  It’s hard to believe that school is back in session, as of today.  

I have had a rough patch lately, still dealing with the tragic loss of Adam on March 27.  In my last post I mentioned that his autopsy had been completed, and that I requested a copy of it.  I assumed it would come through regular mail; I was wrong.  On Wednesday, August 1, I received the autopsy report via email.  I opened the email but did not immediately open the attachment with the autopsy report.  I worked in my classroom for a little while that day, and printed the report while I was there.  Without looking at it, I stuck it in a manila folder.  I knew I wanted someone to read it with me (or for me), but I wasn’t sure who.  My dear friend Reagan, whom I have mentioned before, was also at school working on her classroom.  She graciously agreed to read the report with me, and we went to the local Beer Market to do so.  Wine was involved!  Ha ha.  I initially thought I would let her read it, but I decided to read it myself (out loud).  Surprisingly, I was able to get through it without becoming a total wreck.  I won’t go into detail, but will say that it revealed some very interesting information about the different burns on his body.  Praise God, the toxicology report showed that Adam did not have anything in his system other than medicines that were given to him at the hospital(s).  No alcohol, no drugs, etc.  

On Thursday, July 26, Adam’s sister texted me:  “Hey Monica I hope you’re doing as best as you can.  I just wanted to let you know that Jimmy (her baby) and I are on our way with Adam by our side.  After 20 years, I am taking Adam to Colorado where a piece of him will forever be there.”  Adam and his family spent a great deal of time in Colorado when he was younger.  His grandfather had a cabin there.  He talked about it often, and we talked about going there together one day.  I was very happy to hear that his sister was going to spread some of his ashes there.  

On Saturday evening, July 28, I spoke with his sister over the phone.  On her way to Colorado, she stopped in Lubbock, Texas, to visit a close friend who had just moved there with her family.  This friend’s dad is retired; he was an investigator for the Houston, Texas Fire Department.  He offered to investigate Adam’s death, once we receive all of the paperwork.  He believes that he can figure out exactly what happened.  I sure hope so!  We have not yet received everything we need, but once we do we will get copies to him and let him get started! 

On Wednesday, August 8, in a text to his sister I mentioned how much I miss Adam.  She said, “I know you miss him Monica, I can’t imagine how you feel.  I wish we could just go back.  When I got to Colorado, at that overlook, I wrote his name on the guardrail, got out his ashes, but couldn’t do it.  The wind picked up and spread a few but I just could not let go.  I kept telling myself that I would find a perfect spot but every place I found, I found something wrong with it.  I just can’t move forward.  I feel like I am stuck in time.”  I responded that told her that if life allows, one day I’ll go to that very place (where she scatters them) and see it for myself.  I was blown away by her response.  “How about I wait for you?  Adam wanted to take you, so I will and we can spread them together.”  WOW.  I think I would like to do that, but I am not sure when.  It will have to be during a time when I am out of school.  We shall see what happens…..

On Thursday, August 9, I found out that the state fire investigation had finally been completed, so I went ahead and send a request to the appropriate contact.  I received access to an online portal, where the report will be provided.  As of this evening, the report has not been uploaded to the portal.  

Two days ago – Tuesday, August 13, I received an envelope in the mail from the Cameron Police Department.  It contained a CD with audio recordings of the AMR (American Medical Response) calls; the Fire Department calls; the Police Department calls; and the 911 call.  I wanted to listen to the recordings right away, and fortunately my roommate was home so I did not have to listen to them alone.  Needless to say it was a ROUGH evening.  I will not go into detail, but I will say that what I learned from the records is extremely disturbing.  I called my mom and spoke with her for awhile, then I called Adam’s sister and talked with her.  

I have been struggling quite a bit lately.  I was doing great for awhile, and my mind was occupied by spending time with a new male friend and his daughter; however, we recently decided to go our separate ways and not pursue a long-term relationship, so I know that has added fuel to my fire.  In addition, things are changing now because school is starting back.  I continue to think about the fact that when Adam and I were dating and school was in session, I would get an email from him every morning.  (In the beginning, I would always email him first, but then the roles somehow reversed and he started emailing me first.)  I could always count on his emails…..the last one he sent me was on Friday, March 23 and it said:  “Good morning beautiful.  I’ve been busy and haven’t had a chance to email you til now.  I hope you have a great day today baby and I love you!”  Oh my goodness, how I miss him!!!!!  Going along with this, there is a quote that I saved on my phone on July 9:  “Sometimes we can’t let go of memories, because they are constant reminders of a great story that we never expected to end.”  A M E N to that!!!!!

Here are some other items that I came across and saved since my last post…..

“Someone said to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it.’  I replied, ‘I wasn’t given a choice.'”  AMEN to this as well!  I heard these exact words after Adam’s death, and it is so true that I was not given a choice.  I simply had to deal with…..and still have to deal with…..what took place.  I am sure that many of you reading this can relate to this. 

“Grief is like an earthquake.  The first one hits you and the world falls apart.  Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come.”  

 

 

“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do.  Strength comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t.”  Another AMEN!!!!!  As I type this, I am reminded of the song “Overcomer” by Mandisa.  If you have never heard it, here you go…..

 

This next quote goes right along with the previous ones:  “When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all of the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.  Your greatest strength comes at your weakest days.”  

“The simple and bitter truth is, you grieve for your loved ones for as long as you live.”  ~Narin Grewal.  If you have lost a loved one, you know this is true.  I really appreciate this quote, because (as I’ve mentioned in previous posts), there are people in this world who believe that grief is something to be worked through…..something to get OVER.  No, I don’t believe it is!  I believe that as long as I am on this earth, I will grieve the loss of my dad, and I will grieve the loss of Adam.  The intensity of the grief does decrease as time goes on, but it is still present.  

 

 

From my former counselor…..

One of my greatest weaknesses is being still and allowing God to work!

This next item, also from Sheila, goes right along with the previous one.

 

And the last item I’ll share for tonight…..

 

My goodness, it is already 9:22pm.  It feels good to have typed all of this tonight.  In case you are wondering about my first day of school, it was great.  Long and tiring, but great.  I have 130 students, give or take a few.  Not everyone on my rosters showed up today so I am not 100% certain yet.  My campus is only 5th and 6th grade and we have over 700 students total!  Liberty Hill is growing like crazy!  

Okay, I think I have said everything I would like to say for tonight.  It’s time for me to start winding down!  I hope each and every one of you is doing well.  🙂

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

July 9, 2018. 

Hello!  I can’t believe it’s July 9 already, and I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last wrote.  Today is a dreary day; there has been some rain.  I have been l a z y!!!!!  I would LOVE to back-track and write about every day since I last wrote, but it would take me awhile, ha ha.  I’ll sum it up by saying that I have been living it up…..totally taking advantage of being on Summer Break!  I have been hanging out with friends – old and new, dancing A LOT, resting A LOT, reading, and doing stuff around the house.

On Thursday, June 28, Sheri (our school librarian) and I went on another day trip, to Driftwood (about 24 miles southwest of Austin).  It was a fun trip!!  First we got pictures at the Driftwood General Store; it is no longer open, but was mentioned as a picture-worthy spot!  Next we went to Stinson Distillery – a very cool place!  I had a Stinson’s Gingermint Cocktail and Sheri had a Stinson’s Mojito.  We hung out for a bit, enjoyed the cocktails, and talked with the guy who was working.  After that we went and had lunch at the Salt Lick, and last of all we went to the Driftwood Estate Winery.  The view from there was absolutely breathtaking!  It reminded me of the movie “A Walk In The Clouds” with Keanu Reaves!  I’d love to go back there sometime.  

Overall, life has been great lately, but I have still had my moments of grief, which I know is normal and OKAY.  This past Thursday one of those moments happened.  The day was going great; I was out running errands and I was in a good mood.  I was on my way to go see my roommate, who is actually home now, but was at the Rapid Recovery Center in Round Rock.  I don’t always have the radio on in my car but when I do, it’s either a Christian station or a Country station.  That day it was Country.  The song “Mine Would Be You” by Blake Shelton came on and I immediately burst into tears.  The song does not hold any significance in regards to Adam and I; I guess the words just got to me.  I started missing Adam terribly and thinking about how amazing he was to me and how I’m scared I’ll never find someone else as wonderful as him.  Geez, I’m crying now as I’m typing this!  For the most part, I’ve been able to keep my mind off of him lately, but when I do think about him and about what happened, it is still extremely difficult.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I decided to write today, as it is allowing me to get out these thoughts and feelings that I didn’t really know I was having until I started writing!  

Another moment was on Saturday night, July 7, while I was at Bo’s (the place in Belton where I have been going dancing).  The band that was playing, People’s Choice, was the same band that was playing the first (and only time) that Adam and I went to Bo’s together.  I was having a blast, and then a moment came.  The band sang “I’ve Got A Girl Crush” by Little Big Town.  I am pretty certain that was the first song that Adam and I danced to when we were there, and it really got to me.  I started crying, went to the restroom to cry it out, and came back to my friends.  I was fine after that.  🙂

I’m pretty sure I mentioned in previous posts that the Bexar County Medical Examiners Office in San Antonio told me to call back at the end of June to see if Adam’s autopsy had been completed…..

Sorry, I have to interject here…..my roommate just got home a short while ago after an appointment she had today.  She asked how my day was and noticed I was crying.  She came into my room a few minutes later and said she had something for me; she was holding something behind her back.  She handed me a box of “Proverbs in Color” – 44 small cards, each with a Scripture verse from Proverbs, to be colored.  How neat!  I will have to color them and maybe hang them around my bedroom.  

Okay, not back to the autopsy.  When I initially called the Medical Examiners Office in April, and they told me to call back at the end of June, I envisioned that I would be counting down the days, waiting to call back.  It’s so weird because the end of June came and surprisingly, I was not chomping at the bit to call.  I have no idea why.  It’s like I had to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to call them back.  I finally called today.  His autopsy (external exam only) has been completed, and I was able to send an email request for a copy of it.  When I called, I was able to speak with a secretary and she was able to tell me that toxicology WAS done as part of his exam.  Praise GOD!  I hoped and prayed that toxicology was part of his exam, because if it wasn’t (and if they did toxicology at the hospital), I would not have been able to get a copy of it since I am not a family member.  I am able to get a copy of the autopsy because it is considered an open record and available to anyone.  The hard part will be when it arrives in the mail.  I will not open it myself.  I will let someone else open it first.  My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.  But I need it for closure.  I am not really sure what is going on right now, but I have communicated with Adam’s sister over the past couple of days and apparently an investigator from Farmers Insurance has been asking questions.  His sister is searching for the truth, which I am as well.  

If you’ve kept up with my posts, you are aware that I typically try to share things that I have read / seen that spoke to me, and hopefully will speak to someone else as well.  The first thing I want to share is a quote that someone posted on Facebook, and it goes right along with my current crying fit.  “The most painful tears are not the ones that fall from your eyes and cover your face.  It’s the ones that fall from your heart and cover your soul.”  WOW.  

Next, also posted on Facebook:  GOD IS A WAY-MAKER:  “Just know that.  The God you serve is a way-maker.  He’ll make a way to get it done, fix it, shift it, turn it.  Even when there doesn’t seem to be a way.  Get into agreement with God tonight that you’re going to serve Him, maintain faith in Him, and wait on Him.  Because His blessings are always worth the wait and always right on time.”  🙂

Next, also posted on Facebook.  A beautiful picture, in my opinion, and words that are very true.  

Another from Facebook:  “Sometimes we can’t let go of memories, because they are constant reminders of a great story that we never expected to end.”  

Lastly, I want to share something that I learned in the book I am reading (and am ALMOST finished with), “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine.  This is in regards to helping OTHERS grieve.  Chapter 14 in the book is titled “RALLYING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM:  Helping Them Help You.”  The author provides “A Handy Checklist” of what to do / not to do when trying to help others in their grief.  The first item really spoke to me because as I read it, I realized that I am guilty of doing this when I speak to others who are grieving…..

“Don’t compare griefs.  Every person has experienced loss in their life, but no one else has experienced this grief.  It’s tempting to offer your own experience of grief to let the grieving person know you understand.  But you don’t understand.  You can’t.  Even if your loss is empirically very similar, resist the urge to use your own experience as a point of connection.”  

“Do:  Ask questions about their experience.  You can connect with someone by showing curiosity about what this is like for them.  If you have had a similar experience, it’s OK to let them know you’re familiar with how bizarre and overwhelming grief can be.  Just stick to indications that you know the general territory, not that you know their specific road.”  

I think this is OUTSTANDING advice!  Over the years, I have learned that the best thing to do for someone who is grieving is just BE THERE.  Hug them.  Tell them you love them.  Don’t try and make them feel better with words, or “platitudes,” as this book talks about.  Simply be present.  It is hard, but again, that’s what I have learned is best.  

Well, I believe I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say for this post.  I’m thankful I decided to write today; I don’t think I realized how much I needed it.  Thank you, my faithful readers.  I know I still have to complete the pages about my marriages and about Adam; I will get to that at some point.  I have to be mentally and emotionally ready.  Your patience is appreciated.  Much love to each of you!  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

June 27, 2018.  Three months since Adam died.  Unbelievable.  My day started off pretty gloomy.  I think I was focused on the fact that it’s been three months, and my nerves were shot.  I was restless, tossing and turning in bed, but I could not bring myself to get out of bed.  My co-worker / good friend Reagan texted me shortly after 8am but I did not get back to her until after noon.  She had updated me on a few things, and invited me to lunch.  I told her that I was struggling to get motivated, and that I would pass on lunch.  She said, “I’m sorry you are struggling today.  Let me know if I can do anything.  You’re sure getting out for lunch wouldn’t be good for you?  No pressure though.”  Mom, if you are reading this, I am sure you want to give Reagan a huge hug right now!  Reagan, if you are reading this, THANK YOU!!!!!

I changed my mind, quickly threw myself together, and met her at Dahlia Cafe a little before 1:00.  

We enjoyed a delicious lunch.  I got her caught up on my recent adventures, and she got me caught up on things going on in her life.  As we were leaving she told me that she was going into Cedar Park to run a few errands.  I was just going to go home.  She said I could ride with her, and I did!  We went to Hobby Lobby and Target, then came back to Liberty Hill.  God knew just what I needed today.  Reagan was my angel, just when I needed her.  It did me good to get out for a few hours.  It was a gorgeous day! 

When I came home, I made more progress on cleaning the back bedroom…..ah, it feels so good to make progress!  Just a bit more work and I should be completely done with the room!  Yay!! 

Around 7:30 I went and grabbed supper from Major’s, came back, ate, showered, and here I am.  

Two things I want to share before I close.  They are both posts I came across on Facebook today.  The second one is from my former counselor, Sheila.  

 

This second post is very deep, in my opinion.  It is one of those that I will probably have to read several times before I can completely digest it.  Perhaps it will speak to you in some way…..and I hope that you recognize angels in your life when they come along!  🙂

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

June 26, 2018.  It has been three months since Adam was in the fire.  Sometimes it seems longer than that; sometimes it seems less than that.  There are still days when I find myself in disbelief that he is gone.  

Since I last wrote, I have been living it up!  I am super thankful that I am on Summer Break.  It is MUCH needed – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I have often thought that if it were not for Summer Break, I don’t think I could handle being a teacher!  

Last Friday evening (June 22), I ended up hanging out with some new friends and had a blast.  My first new friend is Amber.  Lori and I met her the previous Saturday when we went dancing at Bo’s.  She found me on Facebook afterwards, and messaged me to let me know how much fun she had with us.  I messaged her on Friday to see if she had plans for the evening.  She has three children, two who live with her, but they are currently with their dad.  She wasn’t sure about doing anything that night because she was trying to get some things finished at work.  Mid-afternoon she gave me her phone number and told me to call her.  She was excited because she got all of her work done, and said she could go out for the evening!  We went back and forth with ideas, and finally decided to go to Coupland Inn / Dancehall (a little under an hour from Liberty Hill).  A guy named Randall King was playing and I had never seen him before.  Amber came to Liberty Hill around 6:30.  We went to eat at Dahlia Cafe; in addition to supper we got to enjoy listening to live music from “Asleep At The Wheel.”  All older country and all awesome!  After that we killed some time by stopping at the local Beer Market, then we headed out to Coupland.  We got about 20 minutes down the road and I ended up texting with another new friend, Larry.  I met him the same night I met Amber.  He mentioned that he was thinking about going to Bo’s (where we went the previous weekend), so we decided to turn around and go there instead of Coupland.  Weldon Henson (a country musician from Texas) was playing; I had never seen him before.  I told Amber that we could go back to Liberty Hill so I could get my own vehicle, but she insisted on driving so I let her!  We arrived shortly after 10:00 and stayed until closing (2:00), then went to Whataburger.  Had a blast again.  After Whataburger Amber drove me home.  She was wide awake and said she probably wouldn’t sleep (I had offered her my couch), so she went ahead and drove back to her home in Copperas Cove (about 37 miles from Liberty Hill).  Lots of driving, but she said she enjoys driving.  I went straight to bed.  It was a great night.  

June 23…..after waking up, I spoke with Larry on the phone for a little over an hour.  When we met the previous weekend, he informed me that he was going through a divorce after 25 years of marriage.  About three months ago he came home one day and found his (ex) wife gone and a note on the table.  I immediately shared with him that I have been divorced twice and lost my boyfriend recently.  When we spoke on the phone I mentioned Adam; I told him that if I ever refer to Adam, that was my boyfriend’s name.  He asked me how long it had been since he died and I told him.  Then, he asked what happened and I told him.  He listened to the entire story and seemed very sympathetic.  Even though it can be tough (and sometimes are tougher than others), I think it is good to talk about what happened, especially when the person I’m talking to seems genuinely interested in listening.  We texted back and forth a few times last week; I was actually texting him while I was playing 42 last Tuesday.  I told him that it was my first time to go and play; that I don’t typically enjoy going places alone so I debated on whether to go or not.  He said that he cannot make himself go anywhere alone.  I told him that it is totally new for me, and that I have only gone a few places alone so far.  

During our phone conversation we decided to be friends, and to go do things together.  Get out and live life.  He said he doesn’t really have a life; he goes to work, comes home, does the same thing every weekend (golf)…..until last weekend!  He WANTS to get out and do different things, but just hasn’t.  I told him that he needs to make a list of the things he wants to do / places he wants to go, and start doing them!  Apparently just getting out on the dance floor last weekend was a huge thing for him.  When I initially asked him to dance, he said no.  Later on, I struck up a conversation and a few minutes in, he all of a sudden decided to go dance!  He SAID he couldn’t dance, but he can!  Several of his friends stood at the corner of the dance floor and they were his cheer squad!  Ha ha ha.  He told me that no one else had ever been able to get him to dance.  🙂 

We had a very nice phone conversation.  I told him that my friend Dusty and I had plans to go to Bo’s that night, and he said he would be there as well.  

About 4:00 that afternoon, I left and headed to Dusty’s house in Temple.  Dusty and I grew up together and graduated high school together.  She’s actually the first person that I started going dancing with, once we turned 18.  We used to go to a place in Temple called Cactus Canyon.  We had many fun nights there!  Anyways…..I got to her house, we chatted for awhile, she straightened my hair, got ready herself, and we headed out.  We ate at the Olive Garden, then we went to Bo’s.  Unfortunately Dusty ended up getting sick (Diabetes issue) and her son came to pick her up.  I stayed and hung out with Larry, and Amber was there as well.  Fast Moving Train, a country group from New Braunfels, Texas, was playing and they were awesome.  I once again had a blast.  Same routine, ha ha.  Stay until closing time, then head to Whataburger.  After that I drove home and hit the sack!  

June 24…..I was thinking about visiting a new church, but I did not wake up early enough.  Maybe this coming weekend…..

On Saturday night Larry and I discussed possibly doing something on Sunday, and we followed through on that.  He came to Liberty Hill early afternoon.  First, we went to Garey Park in Georgetown (where I went last Monday evening).  We walked out on the pier, enjoyed the beauty of the pond for a few minutes, then walked on one of the hiking trails and enjoyed talking to each other.  After that he said he wanted to go eat.  He is a truck driver, and mostly eats fast food.  I drove down one of the main roads in Cedar Park, and told him to point out a place if he saw one he wanted, ha ha.  He didn’t seem too picky.  I told him I am a Mexican food junkie, and he said that was fine with him.  I decided to take him to Blue Corn, one of my favorite places.  We had a very nice meal together, then spent a few minutes trying to decide what to do next.  He loves golf, and was telling me a golf story.  It made me think of the movie “Just Getting Started.”  I asked him if he had seen it; he said no.  I made an executive decision, ha ha.  I reserved the movie at the closest Redbox, we went and picked it up, then came back to Liberty Hill and went to the Beer Market.  We played three games of pool; we were both pretty pathetic but we had fun!  After that we returned to my place and watched the movie; he enjoyed it!  After it was over he headed back home and I called it a night.  What an eventful, great weekend!  I was especially thankful for Sunday, because the last two Sundays I was really down.  Not this Sunday!  Thank you, Lord!!!!!

June 25…..a LAZY Monday!  Other than going and getting food from Major’s, a local eatery, I stayed at home all day and was super lazy.  Not much to write about!  I did get more Bible reading done last night; I am continuing in the Book of Exodus.  

Today….June 26…..my roommate, Helen, was moved to a Recovery Center and she needed me to bring her some things from home.  The center seems great; everyone was super friendly and it just had a positive vibe overall.  I arrived shortly before 2:00 and stayed until about 2:40, when Helen had a hair appointment, which she was very excited about!  After that I went to her vet to pick up some medicine for her dog, then I came back home.  I did some cleaning in our back bedroom / “office” and that felt really good!  I still have more to do but I am making progress.  My mom called; we had a great conversation and got caught up on things.  I thought about going to play 42 tonight, but I did not.  I got a salad from Major’s for supper, and have just been relaxing at home.  

I believe I am caught up now, but there’s a few things I want to share before closing.  First is a post from a lady in the Grief Support Group on Facebook.  I do not know her personally; however, I am leaving her name on this in order to give her the credit, because she is the one who wrote it.  I think it is very powerful.  

I, Monica, am still standing!!!!!  In spite of everything I have been through, PRAISE GOD, I am still standing!!!!!

Next, another post about grief.  I imagine I have shared something along these lines before, but I don’t believe I have shared this specifically.  I love this!

Last is a post about letting go.  Oh, how true this is…..

Well, I believe I am at a stopping point.  I hope you have enjoyed reading about my recent adventures, and if you are going through any sort of trial, I hope that these last few items are helpful is some way.  Much love to each of you!!!!!

June 21, 2018.  8:08pm.  If you started to read my previous post, “Yes, I am still here!” but saw that I had not finished writing, please make sure you go back to it.  I had quite a bit to write about and I did it in sections, ha ha.  I finally finished last night!  

Today was a really good day!  Around 11am I met up with three co-workers / friends and we headed to Lampasas (about 32 miles from Liberty Hill).  We stopped at Walmart to get some pool noodles, then headed to Hancock Pool, which is very unique.  “It is a bit of Lampasas’ history, constructed in the very early 1900’s, and a summertime recreation spot for every kid that grew up here since that time. Hancock Park was the original Baptist Encampment for Central Texas and people came from miles around to be baptized in the cool spring waters. It is fed by a large spring and this keeps the water at a constant cool 69 degrees year round. Texas Highways has selected this pool as one of the top ten tourist spots to stop and visit for a cool down from a hot summer day.”  http://www.lampasas.org/157/Swimming-Pool

We arrived a little after noon and hung out in the super cold water until around 3:00, then we went to go eat.  The first time I went to the pool, I was with our school counselor, Margaret, and her husband.  Margaret was one of the ladies who went today.  The day I went with them, we ate at a really good Mexican food restaurant named Alfredo’s, and that’s where I wanted to go today.  We arrived and there were no cars in the parking lot!  Margaret checked the door and they were closed while on a family vacation; today was there last day to be closed.  Go figure!  Ha ha.  We went to a different Mexican food restaurant named El Rodeo, and it was great!  🙂  

After our yummy meal we headed back to Liberty Hill.  I got home and spent some time out on my porch reading my Bible.  I finished the Book of Genesis and began the Book of Exodus.  Several things really spoke to me and I wanted to share them here.  

Genesis 49:23 and 24:  “With bitterness archers attacked him; they shot at him with hostility.  (Referring to Joseph)  But his bow remained steady, his strong arms stayed limber, because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob, because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel.”  The footnote for these verses says, “These verses celebrate the times God rescued Joseph when his enemies attacked him.  So often we struggle by ourselves, forgetting that God is able to help us fight our battles, whether they are against people with weapons or against spiritual forces.  Joseph was able to draw closer to God as adversity mounted.  To trust God to rescue you shows great faith.  Can you trust him when injury or persecution is directed at you?  Such spiritual battles require teamwork between courageous, faithful people and a mighty God.”  The underlined part above is what really stood out to me.  I need to remember that God is able to help me fight my battles.  I do not have to fight them on my own, and neither do you!  

Genesis 50:1 – 11 tells about how Joseph grieved over his father, Jacob, when he died.  The footnote for these verses says, “When Jacob died at the age of 147, Joseph wept and mourned for months.  When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through our grief.  Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life.  Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one, and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.”  I used to believe that there is a “process” through grief that is completed; however, I no longer believe that.  I believe that grief goes with us for the rest of our lives, but the pain decreases over time.  When we lose someone we love, part of us goes with them and our lives are never the same.  I don’t believe that we go through certain steps and then we are miraculously better, healed, etc.  Nonetheless, the remainder of this footnote really spoke to me.  

Genesis 50:24:  “Then Joseph said to his brothers, ‘I am about to die.  But God will surely come to your aid and take you up out of this land to the land he promised an oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.’  And Joseph made the sons of Israel swear an oath and said, ‘God will surely come to your aid, and then you must carry my bones up from this place.'”  The footnote for this verse says, “Joseph was ready to die.  He had no doubts that God would keep his promise and one day bring the Israelites back to their homeland.  What a tremendous example!  The secret of that kind of faith is a lifetime of trusting God.  Your faith is like a muscle – it grows with exercise, gaining strength over time.  After a lifetime of exercising trust, your faith can be as strong as Joseph’s.  Then at your death, you can be confident that God will fulfill all his promises to you and to all those faithful to him who may live after you.”  WOW!!!!!  Faith is like a muscle!  I know that my faith has definitely gained strength over time, and I know that it is continuing to gain strength.  

Exodus 2:9: “Pharoah’s daughter said to her (Moses’ mother), ‘Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.’  So the woman took the baby and nursed him.”  The footnote for this verse says, “Moses’ mother was reunited with her baby!  God used her courageous act of saving and hiding her baby to begin his plan to rescue his people from Egypt.  God doesn’t need much from us to accomplish his plan for our lives.  Focusing on our human predicament may paralyze us because the situation may appear humanly impossible.  But concentrating on God and his power will help us see the way out.  Right now you may feel unable to see through your troubles.  Focus instead on God, and trust him for the way out.  That is all he needs to begin his work in you.”  I really understand – and you may as well – how focusing on our human predicament can paralyze us!  I must always remember to concentrate on God and HIS power!  

So, this is a total God thing…..and I realized it just now, as I am typing this…..I started going through things I saved on my phone last night and today that I wanted to share here.  The first thing is a memory that popped up on my Facebook yesterday; it’s from June 20, 2013 and it says:  “The Lord has been my defense, and my God the rock of my refuge.”  ~Psalm 94:22  “Thank you, God, for Your stable and unchanging nature.  Help us to hide ourselves in You when trouble comes our way.  Remind us that we don’t have to fight our own battles.”  ~Our Daily Bread.  WOW, WOW, WOW!!!!!  Didn’t I just mention earlier about not having to fight our battles on our own???!!!  This is totally the work of the Holy Spirit!  🙂  

The next thing I want to share is something that my former counselor, Sheila posted.  I pray that it speaks to you in some way.  🙂

Next is a quote that someone posted about grief; I don’t believe I have shared it before.  This goes along with what I said before about grief going with us for the rest of our lives.  “Grief never ends…But it changes.  It’s a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.”  That is just so profound to me – “the price of love.”  So, so, true!  

Another post quoted 2 Corinthians 4:17:  “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  The next verse says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  The footnote in my Bible for 4:17 says, “Our troubles should not diminish our faith or disillusion us.  We should realize that there is a purpose in our suffering.  Problems and human limitations have several benefits:  1)  they remind us of Christ’s suffering for us; 2) they keep us from pride; 3)  they cause us to look beyond this brief life; 4)  they prove our faith to others; and 5)  they give God the opportunity to demonstrate his power.  See your troubles as opportunities!  The footnote for 4:18 says, “Our ultimate hope when we are experiencing terrible illness, persecution, or pain is the realization that this life is not all there is – there is life after death!  Knowing that we will live forever with God in a place without sin and suffering can help us live about the pain that we face in this life.”  

In closing, here is another post that I came across.  I must remember that I will get through this rough patch of life, after losing Adam.  I got THROUGH losing my dad when I was 16.  I got THROUGH two divorces.  I WILL get THROUGH this!  Not OVER it, but THROUGH it!  And YOU will get through whatever it is that you may be going through.  🙂  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂