May 22, 2018.  Eight weeks since Adam died.  

7:44pm.  I am sitting in bed now, drinking a glass of wine and typing. If you like wine and would like to know what I am drinking, I am drinking Barefoot Red Moscato.  🙂

Today was a rough day.  I overslept.  I always set two alarms – one on my alarm clock and one on my phone.  When the alarm clock sounds I turn it off.  Fifteen minutes later, my phone goes off and I re-set the alarm.  Some of you may think that’s odd, but that’s just how I do things.  Ha ha.  I guess I like to wake up mentally before I wake up physically.  This morning both alarms went off like they should have, but I didn’t re-set the alarm on my phone like I thought I did.  When I woke up again, I thought to myself that it seemed like it had been awhile since I initially woke up…..and it was light outside.  I looked at my clock and it was almost 6:40!  This time of year I usually leave for work around 6:50; it’s much earlier in the beginning of the school year.  Ha ha.  I jumped up, quickly got dressed, and left.  I hate being rushed.  Fortunately, I live less than five minutes away from my school.  Teachers are not required to be there until 7:30 but I always like to get there early, before the rush of things.  I love the peace and quiet of being one of the first ones there.  

On the way to work, “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin came on the radio.  For some reason, I was thinking about Adam in the hospital room in San Antonio, where he passed away.  The image of him…..how he looked…..I’m sure that will be etched into my brain for the rest of my life.  As the song played, I thought about Jesus standing beside Adam and telling him that He is a good, good father.  This made me cry.  If you have never heard the song, here is the link to the YouTube video:

I checked my Facebook when I got to work.  Several weeks back I joined a Grief Support Group and it has really helped me.  Someone posted this and it really spoke to me this morning.  It comes from the book “Healing After Loss:  Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief” by Martha Whitmore Hickman.  I do not yet have a copy of this book but I intend to get one soon.  

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to shut out the world and be alone with my thoughts.  It was a struggle to balance work and my personal life but I did the best I could.  Yesterday I began reviewing operations with decimals (addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division).  Today I printed off some fun worksheets with decimal problems and a riddle on each page.  I decided to take my classes outside; it was a beautiful day.  Students worked in partner groups to complete one page at a time, get it checked by me, and then move to the next page.  As they worked, I was able to get some reading done; I am currently reading “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine.  It’s an awesome and powerful book, and some of the things I read today just left me in awe……I’d like to share.  

“Telling the story of this loss over and over – it’s like we’re looking for an alternate ending.”  Oh my goodness, YES!!!!!

“Repetition of the story is a safety mechanism, one way the creative mind tries to reorder the world when it’s been dissolved.”

The author talks about how going to the movies can be a cruel experience.  For me, watching a movie at home is a cruel experience for me because watching movies was one of mine and Adam’s favorite things to do.  I actually did not watch a movie in my room until May 13, which was 48 days after he passed away.  When I opened the DVD player to insert a movie, I found the last movie we watched together, “Sherlock Holmes.”  

The book has an entire section titled “Grief At The Grocery Store.”  Grocery shopping has been another cruel experience for me, because whenever we were together on the weekends grocery shopping was a ritual for us.  It was our favorite type of shopping.  We loved picking out groceries and cooking together.  The author states, “Some shop only after 10:00pm to avoid any people they might know; others drive an hour out of their way just to be able to shop anonymously.”  I had not thought of either of these options.  I am not worried about running into people I know because that rarely happens where I shop.  My issue is being in the store and thinking of all the times Adam and I were there together.  

“No wonder grief is so exhausting.  It’s not just the intense actual pain of loss.  It’s the sheer number of tiny things that need to be avoided, endured, planned for.  Impossible to tell from the outside, but those of us in grief absolutely understand.  We all have our stories of exhaustion, avoidance, and the need to just not talk.”  

The author talks about the timing of things such as when to remove a wedding ring, when to convert a child’s bedroom into a guest room, or when to stop referring to a lost loved one in the present tense.  There is no right time!  “You can’t wait for the time to feel right, because it likely never will.  None of this is something you would ever choose.  When you’re trying to make a decision, you can’t wait until it feels good.”  “Nothing is too early or too late.”  This really stood out to me.  

The author of the book lost her partner, Matt, to an accidental drowning.  “A friend whose husband drowned the year after Matt died told me she kept a bottle of his hot sauce with her through two different moves.  She couldn’t bear to see the refrigerator without it, even though she would never open the bottle again.”  Oh.  My.  Goodness!!!!!  Reading that totally made me feel so much better about keeping the half-eaten Snickers that Adam left in my room the last time he was here.  I had actually thrown in away one morning because I thought it would be “stupid” to keep something like that.  It bothered me all day long and I decided I did want to keep it.  When I came home I got it out of the trash can!  The author also tells that she kept the container of ice cream that Matt and she bought two nights before he did; she kept it up until she moved across the country – four years later.  Reading that brought such comfort to me in regards to the things I want to keep!  

After school I came home for a few minutes, then left again.  I had to go to H-E-B for a few items and then I had an eye appointment at 5:40.  For some reason as I was telling my roommate bye, I became very emotional again and started crying.  When I got in my car, the song that was playing was “Safe” by Phil Wickham.  So fitting.  If you have never heard this song, here is the link to the YouTube video:

As I was driving, I thanked God for my eye appointment.  Why?  Because if I hadn’t had the appointment, I probably would have come home and crawled in to bed right away!

An awesome thing happened as I was on my way to H-E-B.  My phone rang and it was my middle brother, Marcus.  He said he had a funny story for me.  He has his own construction company and after visiting a site today, he somehow got mixed up on where he was at and ended up driving out of his way.  He came to an intersection and noticed a gas station with a single gas pump, and he had a flashback of a funny incident that happened one Sunday afternoon when I was in college.  I’m thinking it was probably 1999.  A guy I had met invited me to go riding around with him and another couple, and Marcus went with us.  I am not going to tell the story here.  Ha ha!  I remembered exactly what he was talking about, and busted out laughing!  Oh my goodness, that was a God send.  I told him that I had a rough day, and he just MADE my day!  God knows just what we need and when we need it.  Thank you, Lord!  

I survived H-E-B and my eye appointment, and came home.  I got things ready for tomorrow and got to my bed as soon as I could.  

It is 9:02 now and I am going to sign off.  I am going to try and read for a bit, then go to sleep.  If you have read this, I pray that you received some encouragement and inspiration.  May God bless each of you, and remember that Jesus IS a good, good Father!!  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

 

 

May 21, 2018

7:50pm.  My day is coming to a close.  It was a decent Monday…..our last Monday before summer break, since next Monday we are off for Memorial Day. 

There is a park with a walking trail next to my school, and I usually walk one time around the trail during my lunch break.  Sometimes I walk with co-workers and sometimes I walk alone; today I was alone.  It is a time for me to renew my mind, pray, and think.  There is a property next to the park and the owners have goats and peacocks.  I have seen the goats before, but for some reason today they really stood out to me and I decided to take some pictures to share.  I love the last picture…..notice how the black goat was reaching up to get something in a tree!  In addition to enjoying the goats, I also heard birds singing and they sounded so beautiful.  I am blessed to have the park right next to my school.  

Job 12: 7 – 10 says, “But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you.  Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?  In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”

I am thankful that I was able to see God through nature today.  

I am also thankful because Estes installed my new washing machine today and it seems to work fine (if you read my blog from yesterday, you will understand what I am referring to).  

Oh!  Another thing I am thankful for.  Today at 10am, per our TEA (Texas Education Agency) Commissioner Mike Morath, our campus had a moment of silence in honor of the individuals who lost their lives at the school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas last Friday, March 18.  I am so glad we did that.  🙂

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

May 20, 2018

When Adam and I were dating, we visited different churches in my area.  We wanted to find one that we both enjoyed and could become involved with.  I was raised Catholic but switched to the Baptist denomination in 2003.  Adam was raised as a Baptist.  When we started dating, I was attending a non-denominational church (with a Baptist background), which I started attending when I first moved to Liberty Hill in 2013.  Back home, before I moved, I attended a small Baptist church down the road from where I grew up.  When Adam and I met, he attended the non-denominational church with me a few times.  It seemed that some things were changing and I could not tell exactly what was going on; I just knew that things did not seem the same so we decided to visit other places.  Who knows…..God may lead me back to that church in the future.  

Today was my first time to visit a new church since Adam passed away on March 27.  There’s a certain church that I have had in mind to visit, and today was the day.  I woke up slightly earlier than planned due to a Tornado Warning that came on my phone.  There was a formation spotted very close to where I live.  I HATE bad weather!  Fortunately, it never touched down, but it did rain A LOT!  I was still brave and decided to go to church…..alone…..that is HUGE for me! I shocked myself.  I typically would have decided to stay in bed and listen to the rain.  If Adam were here we would have cuddled and listened to the rain together.  Oh, how I miss him.  😦

The church I visited is 11 miles from my house.  I almost had to pull over on the way there because it was raining so hard.  I thought to myself, “This is crazy!”  But I was bound and determined to go and visit this church.  God gave me the strength!  Unfortunately, I was not impressed with the church at all and I do not intend to return there; however, there is one thing from the sermon that stood out to me and I wanted to share it here.  The pastor was talking about the Trinity; the Godhead three in one (God the father, God the son, and God the holy spirit).  He mentioned how people often ask how ONE person can actually be THREE persons, and the best way he’s ever heard it explained is water.  He held up a bottle of water.  Liquid.  You move the bottle around and the water moves.  GOD THE FATHER.  If you stick the bottle of water in a freezer, the water freezes.  Solid.  A different entity.  GOD THE SON.  If you pour the water into a pot and boil it, it evaporates.  Gas.  Yet another entity.  GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT.  I had never heard this analogy before, and thought it was great.  Perhaps the reason for me going to this church today was so that I could hear this analogy and come back and share it here.  🙂  I hope it helps someone!  

When I blogged yesterday I didn’t mention that my washing machine was messing up yesterday evening.  It would agitate and spin, but it would not dispense any water.  UGH!  I absolutely hate it when stuff like that happens.  I rent a duplex, but own my washer and dryer.  I called Estes, who used to do maintenance work for us, to see if he could help me.  He gave me some instructions over the phone; I told him I would try what he said and get back to him.  My roommate and I could not locate appropriate pliers so we could not do what he told us to do.  I became frustrated and all I wanted to do was cry!  I kept thinking that if Adam were here, he would know exactly what to do and he would have all of the proper tools!  Anyways, the new owner of the duplex (who lives in the other side) came over to help but we still did not have any luck with what we were told to do.  Estes was supposed to be out of town for a funeral today but said he could probably stop by and take a look on Tuesday.  

Estes called early this afternoon and said he could come over and take a look at it.  He and his wife did not go out of town due to the bad weather this morning.  He came over to take a look.  He had an idea of what was wrong, but he could not get the top of the washer off as he expected he could.  He said he would have to take the whole thing apart, from the bottom, and it was not worth it.  He told me to go to Lowe’s and purchase a new one.  Grrrrreeeeeaaaaattttt.  Just what I needed.  Two weeks ago I had to get new tires for my vehicle, and now this.  I was trying to stay positive.  As I got into my vehicle to leave, I thought to myself, “At least I have clothes to wash.”  

I went to Lowe’s, alone.  It was my first time going to a Lowe’s since Adam died (we went numerous times together).  I went straight to the appliance section and browsed through all of the washers, then spoke with an employee.  I told him I need a new washer and I don’t need anything fancy.  I received a bit of help from him (he didn’t seem extremely interested in helping me…..and this is another reason why I hate stuff like this).  Anyways…..I believe I chose the least expensive one; fortunately they had some sales going on for Memorial Day.  He got my information into the computer and then I went to the front to check out.  Estes and one of his helpers is going to go pick it up tomorrow, install it for me, and haul the old one off.  THANK GOD for Estes!!!!!

After that adventure, ha ha, I came home and took a Sunday afternoon nap.  I woke up, did a few things around the house, and came to work more on here.  It is now 10:08pm and I am about to call it a night.  It’s back to work tomorrow.  

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

 

 

 

May 19, 2018

Sadly, I attended another funeral today.  One of my sister-in-laws, who is my age, lost her mom to cancer.  Her mom found out on May 3 that she had stage IV colon cancer that had spread into her liver.  She was admitted to the hospital on May 8 and passed away on May 17.  This sister-in-law lost her dad to Parkinson’s five years ago.  My heart is broken for her.  Fortunately, both of her parents were Christians.  They knew Jesus as their Lord and Savior and therefore, are spending eternity in Heaven.  

I rode to the funeral with my youngest brother and his fiance.  On the way to their home, I saw God’s glory shining through the clouds.  I immediately thought of how God’s mercies are new every morning.  Lamentations 3:22 – 23 says, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  

As we were headed back home this afternoon, I was looking on Facebook and came across a picture that fits perfectly with my blog, so of course I have to share it:

Note:  My blog posts are shown with the most recent posts at the top.  If you’d like to read about how this journey began, scroll to my first post, titled “The Journey Begins.”  🙂

May 14, 2018

Thanks for joining me!  My name is Monica.  I am 38 years old and I live in Liberty Hill, Texas, where I teach 6th Grade Math.   Outside of work I enjoy spending time with family and friends, reading, watching movies, cooking, trying new restaurants, attending outdoor events such as fairs / festivals, dancing, and going on new adventures.  I have three furry children:  Precious, a part Black Lab; Patches, a long-haired miniature Dachshund; and Boudreaux, a Catahoula.  They are definitely entertaining!

I have had a lot of pain in my life.  I lost my dad when I was sixteen; he was killed in a head-on-collision.  I have been through two divorces, and most recently, my boyfriend, Adam, died after being in a fire at his home. 

My original title for this blog was “My Life…..God’s Story.”  When I typed in keywords to obtain a domain name, “my-strength” came up and that’s what I went with.  As I mulled this over in my mind I decided to change the title of the blog; however, my purpose still remains the same.  My purpose is to share my life story, which is God’s story, and hopefully provide encouragement and inspiration to others. I LOVE to write; I think it would be awesome to write a book but I’m doing a blog for now.  Perhaps a book will happen in the future!  I will share as much as I can on here…..as much as I am comfortable with sharing publicly.  Beyond that, I am open to questions at any time. 

Where does my strength come from?  My Heavenly Father.

I find it very interesting that the title of the theme I chose for this blog is “The Journey Begins,” because that statement fits perfectly with my life as I begin this (May 14, 2018).  My journey begins in two ways:  1) My journey begins after the loss of my boyfriend on March 27, 2018, and 2) My journey begins as I write my first blog.  I am glad you have found me!  

By reading the quote below, I hope you can understand why I chose a background with butterflies.  As the picture states, God is certainly working on me…..it’s an ongoing process…..and I desire to share my story with others.