Growing up, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my response was “A teacher.” I even took it upon myself to have a “Summer School” one summer; I believe it was between 8th Grade and 9th Grade. My dad’s small leather shop behind our home was almost completely empty. There was a piano in there and I propped up a chalk board on it. There was a table towards the back where my students sat. My students were two of my brothers a several children from our neighborhood whom I had babysat over the years. If memory serves me correctly I had work for them over all four subjects. I had snack for them every day, and they had recess in our back yard.
Before I actually got my first teaching job, I mentioned my “Summer School” in one of my interviews. One of the ladies in the interview, who was my Kindergarten teacher, asked me where I got my curriculum. I told her that I didn’t remember, and that I would have to ask my mom about it. When I did ask her, she said, “Monica! (As if she was thinking, ‘Don’t you remember??’) You sat at the bar in the kitchen and created your own curriculum!” Ha ha ha. I do not have a solid recollection of that, and I also do not remember where I got all of the worksheets from!
In high school, I was involved in numerous clubs / organizations, but my favorite was FFA (Future Farmers of America). That is where my passion was. Due to this, through my high school years I thought that I wanted to go to college in order to do something in the agricultural field – work for the USDA, become a County Extension Agent, etc. Teaching was no longer appealing to me. From a young age, I always knew that I wanted to attend Texas A&M University. My paternal grandfather went there, my Uncle Don and Aunt Charlene worked there, and my cousin Loren went there. Once I was accepted and it was time to choose a major, I chose Agricultural Development. I graduated from Yoe High School in Cameron, Texas in May 1998. I was in the top of my class, which was 98 students. I began college in the fall of 1998. For the first year, my best friend and I lived in an off-campus dorm.
My upbringing was very strict, and when I got to college I turned away from that strictness and went wild. I never went to parties in high school, and I don’t think I drank alcohol until my senior year. In college, drinking and partying was a way of life for me. That’s not the way I was raised; it was not really who I was, but I enjoyed it at the time.
During my Sophomore year, in the fall of 1999, I became involved with the Off-campus Aggies, who helped with Bonfire. If you are reading this and you have no idea what Bonfire is, here is a link that you can visit to learn about it.
On the night of November 17, 1999, I was supposed to learn how to “stack” (how to place wood in order to build the bonfire). A friend from Houston, Eric, was going to teach me. He had graduated years prior but returned each year to help with all of the preparations. I was very excited about learning to stack, and told family members. At the last minute, I backed out and decided to stay at home and study for a Psychology test the next day. I talked with Eric on Yahoo Messenger, and told him I would not be going.
The following morning, November 18, 1999 my roommate woke me up and told me that our phone had been ringing a lot and that someone had left a message about Bonfire. (I was living in an apartment at the time.) I got up to try and figure out what was going on. I learned that the stack had fallen and people were trapped inside. I was in shock. I called my friend Lindsey and we went to campus to the site. A total of twelve students lost their lives. If memory serves me correctly, there were only eleven casualties at first, but then a twelfth student passed away. Not long after we arrived on campus, we spoke to one of the students who had been on stack. He talked about how he called his dad to tell him what had happened, and could not even talk about the things he saw. His dad responded and told him that now he (the son) knew why he (the dad) never talked about the war. My Uncle Don worked for the Hazardous Materials Department at A&M and when something such as this happened, he was one of the first ones contacted. He was one of the family members who knew I was supposed to learn to stack that night. I found out that when he arrived, he was only told that “x” number of females and “x” number of males were under all of the wood, but he had no idea if I was one of the females. I believe he tried calling me, but the phones were all tied up. I don’t think I went to any of my classes that day. I walked around campus in a daze. I don’t remember where I was, but I was inside one of the buildings on campus and news came on, announcing the casualties. One of them was Jerry Self, whom I knew from working at the cut site each weekend. He was known for not cursing, not drinking, etc.; this stood out in a group of guys who did curse, drink, etc. I could not believe he was one of the ones who died.
This was indeed a tragedy, and it brought back the negative emotions that I felt after my dad was killed.
At this point, I need to backtrack and share another story. When I was in 7th Grade, one day after lunch one of my teachers mentioned a really bad wreck that had happened over lunch. She did not know any details. That afternoon as I was waiting to get on my bus, one of my friends was leaning out of his bus window and got my attention. He asked, “Did you hear about Kevin?” I had no idea what he was talking about. He told me that Kevin, a friend of ours who was in high school, had been killed in a wreck during lunch. I could not believe it. His parents and my parents knew each other from church, and our families were friends. Kevin was in a small car and collided head-on with an 18-wheeler. I did not see it myself, but from what I heard, there was hardly any of his car left. I just now Googled his name and was able to find the exact date of his death: May 20, 1993. I remember going to the funeral home with my family and walking up to his casket. When I saw him in the casket, I then realized that young people die too. Up to that point in my life, I had only experienced death of older people – my great-grandfather Hidaddy in 1985, and my Granddaddy in 1991. In my mind, I simply thought that people died when they were older. Seeing a young person in a casket was greatly disturbing to me and I became very afraid of death.
I feared that when I die, I will be aware that I am six feet under ground in a casket, all alone. I also feared going to sleep at night because I was scared I would die in my sleep. This happened towards the end of the school year, and I dreaded the summer coming up, because I noticed that I felt better when I was at school, around others, and in a daily routine. I did not talk to my parents about this at first. I am not sure how much time passed, but one evening my mom was not home and I went to my dad’s small leather shop for laundry (our laundry room at the time was a room inside his shop). I don’t remember saying much – if anything – to my dad, but I guess he sensed something was wrong with me because when Mom got home he told her, and she came to talk to me. I told her all of the things that I was feeling. They called the deacon at our church and he came to our house to talk with me about death. My fears subsided as time went on. I don’t really remember them coming back after my dad’s death, but I definitely remember them coming back after Bonfire fell. I returned to the same place I was after Kevin’s death – I once again feared death and had a lot of questions. You will find out that this part of my life ties in later on.
In the summer of 2000, July I believe, I met my first husband, Jason. We met – I believe on a Wednesday night – in the Dry Bean Saloon on Northgate (a strip of bars across from Texas A&M University). Remember – I said I went wild when I was in college. Northgate became a regular place for me, especially the Dixie Chicken, which I called my second home. When I went into the Dry Bean that night, I noticed Jason when I first walked by him. I went down to the end of the bar, came back to where he was, and somehow struck up a conversation. I asked him where he worked and he said he worked for Texas A&M, for the Hazardous Materials Department. I told him that my uncle also worked for the Hazmat Department. He asked who my uncle was and when I told him, he said my uncle was his boss! Small world! We hit it off and he gave me his contact information – his beeper number, I believe. Ha ha! As I am typing this, I am thinking very hard and trying to recall exact details. I think he gave me a business card, and I think on the back of the card he also wrote down a phone number of one of his friends. My memory is a little fuzzy on this. I contacted him the following evening and he invited me to come hang out with him and some of his friends on Friday night. While I was talking to him I discovered that this friend of his…..one of the friends I’d be going to hang out with…..I actually had a class with him that summer and we had recently gone to see “Scary Movie” together. Ha ha. Again, a small world!
I went and hung out with them on Friday night, and surprisingly Jason invited me to his hometown that weekend to go to a friend’s wedding with him. I did not have any plans so I said yes. I could not believe I was going to go with him and meet his parents, three days after we met, but I did. He had to go to the wedding early on Saturday, so he had his younger brother pick me up at his house and I rode with him to the wedding. After the wedding, we went to his parents house and as we were walking through the gate onto the back porch, he started holding my hand. That’s also when he began to call me his girlfriend.
Things went well between us and within a few months we decided we wanted to get married. We mentioned marriage to my mom on NYE of that year (2000). I don’t recall when we mentioned it to his parents. When we met, I was living in an apartment in College Station and he was living in Snook, a very small town fourteen miles southwest of College Station. He lived in a house that his family owned, on the same property as his paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. I began spending all of my time with Jason and my roommate and I began to have trouble. In March 2001, I went against my beliefs / the way I was raised, and Jason and I decided to move in together at his place in Snook. Deep down, I knew this was wrong in God’s eyes, but I did it anyway. Of course, at the time, I had numerous reasons of justifying it. We did not stay in Snook for long. There was a heated incident between us and Jason’s younger brother, and his dad ended up sending me a very negative email in response to the situation. We were both very upset, and Jason decided we needed to move to a place of our own that was not tied to family. After this, we did not communicate with his family for quite some time.
We found a unique place on 44 acres in Mumford, Texas, approximately 20 miles from College Station. It was like a duplex but instead of being side-by-side, it was upstairs and downstairs. We rented the upstairs part. We had an awesome porch all the way around and the scenery was beautiful. I was still attending A&M and I was working part-time for a technology development company. I mentioned earlier that Jason worked for A&M. We moved in the summer of 2001.
It was in that house that Jason gave me my engagement ring. As I mentioned earlier, we knew early on that we wanted to get married; it was just a matter of making it official. I am baffled at the fact that I do not recall the exact date that he gave the ring to me. I say this because I am always very good with dates! I loved Jason, but I must be honest here and say that I was not impressed with how he gave me the ring. It was not romantic or very special at all. I won’t go into details here but if you are curious, please contact me and ask! 🙂
In 2001 I began having a difficult time mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to question whether or not God would forgive me of specific sins I had committed. I was extremely disturbed by 9/11, and that added to the difficulties I was having. I began a spiritual journey – mostly reading the Bible. I wanted answers and I wanted hope. I never wanted to read the Book of Revelation because I simply saw it as being about “the end of the world” and it scared me. It IS about the end of the world, but I only thought of it in a negative way. I could be wrong on the year, but I am pretty sure it was during the summer of 2002 that my mom started a Bible study at her home, over the Book of Revelation. Our home in Mumford was about 40 minutes from my home in Cameron so I went to my mom’s study. Again, I could be wrong but I believe Jason went to the first one with me. I immediately became obsessed with wanting to know more about the Book of Revelation! I purchased a book called “Charting The End Times” by Tim LaHaye, read it, and then LED the following week’s study! I just could not get enough! Once I really understood the Book of Revelation and how it offers hope for believers, I no longer saw it in a negative light. This knowledge also decreased my fear of death. I ended up reading several books about the Book of Revelation, as well as the entire “Left Behind” series, which I could not read prior…..I tried several times to read the first book and I could not get through it because it scared me. Once I understood the Book of Revelation I was able to read the series; I was totally engrossed in each book and could not seem to read them fast enough!
Let me talk about church now. After my dad’s funeral at St. Monica’s, it was extremely hard for us to attend there because all we could think about was his funeral. It got to the point where we would only go on holidays, and I always had to leave during the service because I could not stop crying. During college, I only attended church a few times; I attended a Catholic church close to campus. My family back home ended up attending Marlow Baptist Church, right down the road from my mom’s house. I actually went to Vacation Bible School there when I was little. Jewell (whom I mentioned in “Childhood and Daddy’s Death) attended church there, as well as many other people that my family knew well. My dad is buried in the Marlow Cemetery, right beside the church.
As I progressed through my spiritual journey and learned more about the Bible, I learned so many things! I learned that I would not get into Heaven by being a good person, attending church every Sunday, memorizing my prayers, etc. I learned that it is all about salvation…..about accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I also learned that numerous practices in the Catholic church are not Biblical.
My plan was to move away from the Catholic church. This was going to be a bold move for me, as my dad’s side of the family was – and still is – Catholic…..very devout Catholics! In addition, the man I was going to marry was Catholic. I considered not getting married Catholic; my mom even mentioned me getting to know the pastor at Marlow Baptist and possibly having him do our wedding. I knew, however, that if our wedding was not Catholic, Mamaw and Papaw (my dad’s parents) probably would not attend. We wanted an outside wedding, and found out that the Catholic church does not allow outside weddings unless they are approved by the Bishop…..so, I had to submit a letter to the Bishop and ask his permission. Fortunately, he granted permission.
I graduated from Texas A&M in May 2003, and began working full-time for the same technology development company. I did not have huge plans for after graduation, other than getting married.
At some point before we married, it did cross my mind that things might not work out between us (due to things that had taken place between us, and my spiritual situation) and I should call it off. Pride got the best of me. I told myself there was no way I could call it off after people already knew we were getting married. Sadly pride has gotten the best of me many times in my life!
We married on September 20, 2003 at my great aunt and uncle’s home in Marlow, in a gazebo overlooking beautiful countryside. My Papaw (my dad’s dad) gave me away. It was a beautiful service and we had an awesome reception. We did not have a honeymoon planned. My Uncle Don came up with the idea of auctioning off leftover briskets at our reception, to raise money for us to go on a honeymoon. A substantial amount of money was raised, and we ended up going to Tennessee for a honeymoon. After we married we continued to live in Mumford. I was still working full-time for the technology development company and Jason was still working for A&M.
We had many parties in Mumford. On the night of December 6, 2003, we had a party and during the party my sister invited us to come to Marlow Baptist the following morning. I love my sister deeply and I did not want to say no to her, so we went. From the moment we walked in, I felt so welcomed by people from the community whom I had known since I was little. The service that was seemed to be the culmination of the spiritual journey that I had been on. It was like everything was coming together. That morning – December 7, 2003 – during the invitation time, is when I made a conscious decision to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I did not go up front; I simply made the decision while standing at our pew. I am confident that my life changed, for the better, on that day; however, my new life caused friction in my new marriage.
My habits changed. I stopped listening to only Country music, and began listening to Christian music. Today I listen to a combination of both, but more so Christian. A common routine for Jason and I was to go to a small bar in Snook that he had gone to for years, and / or hang out around a campfire at his aunt and uncle’s house and drink. None of that interested me anymore. I wanted to stay at home and focus on my new-found faith. I do currently go to bars occasionally and I do drink, but I feel different about it now. I know that I can be a strong Christian and still go to bars, and still drink.
In 2005 I became involved with KAIROS Prison Ministry, and that did not go over very well with Jason. As time went on, we began to go down two different paths. He lived his life and I lived mine. One huge thing that really shocked me and hurt me was when Jason told me he did not want to raise kids in a “Christian only home.” I talked with the pastor from Marlow Baptist and explained what Jason had said. Even though he was not in support of divorce, he certainly did not think that what Jason said was a positive thing.
My first KAIROS “Weekend” was Wednesday, December 28, 2005 – Sunday, January 1, 2006.” It was a life-changing experience. As I participated in all of the awesome things that we did for the inmates, I found myself thinking that I no longer wanted to be behind a desk “pushing papers.” I wanted to have a job / career where I could make a difference in people’s lives. That following week as I drove to work the first morning, the song “Something More” by Sugarland came on my radio. It touched the depths of my heart and soul. I prayed and asked God to “lead me in a new direction,” even though I had no idea what that direction was.
God works in mysterious ways. That Friday, January 6, 2006, my boss called me into her office and informed me that they were letting me go. For whatever reason, she had not been pleased with my recent work performance (I credit that to a lack of communication from the girl who trained me). She also mentioned that I had recently graduated from college and there was so much more that I could do. Sitting in her office, I cried. I cried out of anger and feat, but I also believe I cried for joy, because in an unexpected way, God was answering the prayer that I prayed earlier that week. He WAS leading me in a new direction. I had no idea where, but he was leading me!
My boss actually asked me to voluntarily resign, which I did, because I did not know any better at the time. I learned from Jason that if I did that, and did not obtain a new job in a timely manner, that I would not be able to apply for unemployment benefits. The following week, I went back in and told my boss that I was not voluntarily resigning, so they terminated me.
That night I went home and told Jason what happened. One of my biggest worries was not having health insurance. I asked Jason to put me on his insurance through his work, and knowing how he was about money, I (stupidly) offered to pay him whatever the monthly cost would be for me. In offering that, I expected / hoped that he would say I did not need to do that, but he did not. He wanted me to pay him each month to be on his insurance. I am not quite sure how I was supposed to do that without a job, but oh well…..
Things continued to go downhill between us.
On February 6, 2006, one month after I lost my job, Jason sent me an email stating that he was waiting on the money that I owed him for insurance because he was putting toward his “Motorcycle Fund” (to buy himself a motorcycle). I was so upset when I got his email. I called my mom to tell her about it; my step-dad was there as well. I believe it was he who said that I needed to get away as soon as possible. I decided, just like that, to move out. My middle brother Marcus had just moved into a rental house down the road, and said that I could stay in one of the rooms there. My mom came to help me, and I believe Marcus came as well. I did not have any boxes. We just loaded everything into vehicles! Our goal was to be completely out before Jason got home that evening, and we met that goal. He came home to all of my things gone. He contacted me when he got home, but I do not recall what he said. I don’t THINK we had text messaging then; if we didn’t, he called me…..but I don’t remember if I answered or if he just left a message. Of course he was upset!
The first weekend after this happened (Thursday, February 9 – Sunday, February 12), my mom and I attended an Emmaus Walk. If you have never heard of this, here is a summary of what it is:
“The walk to Emmaus is an experience of Christian spiritual renewal and formation that begins with a three-day short course in Christianity. It is an opportunity to meet Jesus Christ in a new way as God’s grace and love is revealed to you through other believers.” http://emmaus.upperroom.org/about
If you are a Christian and have never been on a walk, I highly encourage you to check into it! It is a life-changing event.
One of the main things on the walk was that we did not have contact with the “outside world,” and we were not allowed to have our cell phones. This was so that we could fully focus on the intent of the weekend. Having left Jason only days prior, I thought that not having my cell phone was going to be extremely difficult for me! When I got to my bunk the first night, after our last evening activity, I took my phone and put it at the very bottom of my overnight bag. By the grace of God, I did not even look at it until we left that Sunday!
So, I was living with my brother Marcus and I continued to look for a new job. Mom had recently obtained a job at Resolution Ranch, a therapeutic boarding school for teenage boys. She invited me to come and look around, but I did not. I feared that I would enjoy it too much, and be disappointed that I could not work there as well! That may sound really silly, but that was my thought process! If memory serves me correctly, it was Thursday, April 6, 2006. I was in jeans, a t-shirt, and a cap, and I was at the Texas Workforce Commission Office in Bryan, Texas. My mom contacted me and told me that they had a tutoring position available in the school. It turned out that a man named Hal, whom I worked for in high school, owned the land that the ranch is on. He apparently put in a good word for me, and they wanted to interview me that day. I told Mom what I was wearing, and she said that I would fit right in! Ha ha. I drove to Cameron (my hometown). The ranch is on the outskirts of town. I had a very informal interview and they wanted to hire me part-time. Again, if memory serves me correctly, I began working there on Monday, April 10, 2006.
Not too long afterwards, Jason and I began talking again and I decided to move back home; however, I had my reservations. I did not even completely unpack things, in the event that things did not work out…..and they did not. I believe it was in June when I decided to move out again, and this time I went to my mom’s house (where I grew up). That was very hard, and I was very depressed for quite some time.
I believe it was around September that Jason and I began talking once again, and I spent some time with him at his new house in Snook, but we did not make any progress. Sometime before Christmas, we were texting back and forth and he told me that he had thought about it and he DID want to have children with me (and I guess not raise them in a “Christian only” home). That was nice of him to say that, but, my mindset was that actions speak louder than words. I told myself that if he showed up at my mom’s door on Christmas, I might change my mind about things. He did not. I went back and forth, and finally decided to file for divorce. I did not hire a lawyer; I did everything online.
To be continued…..
My Strength 